November 2, 2018

Most people gauge other people’s sex lives in terms of frequency. They compare their own satisfaction against statistics like ‘married couples have sex three times a week’, then feel inadequate about their own numbers. Studies suggest all couples – married or not – have sex an average of once a week. The same statistic applies to single, unattached people. That said, ‘normal’ is relative. Some people have sex once a month, others barely have sex at all, and yet these people may still describe their sex lives as happy.

So the first step to improving your sex life isn’t to Find out how to last longer in bed. It’s to stop comparing and focus on your partner. Your ‘sex numbers’ aren’t determined by rumours and assumptions. They’re gauged on whichever partner has a lower sex drive – and that’s not always the female partner. That’s why your best bet is to persuade your partner to want sex more. Note: the word ‘persuade’ NOT ‘coerce’. For sex to be healthy, it has to be consensual, so it’s not about nagging or convincing … it’s more about making it enjoyable for them.

If they like it, they’ll do it

Many sex therapists suggest scheduled sex as a solution to common problems like being too tired, or too busy. But before timetabling the bedroom, set aside a pre-planned session where you can discuss things. Be open, talk about your likes and dislikes, read books, watch instructional videos together, learn about both your bodies. By finding out why your partner is averse to sex, you can take corrective measures.

Instead of attacking them for not making love often enough, come from a point of curiosity and problem-solving. They may be worried about the premature climax, so you can help by working together to seek early ejaculation treatment. If their lack of interest comes from stress at work, help them relax and unwind when they get home. Create a warm, welcoming, low-pressure environment and they’re more likely to get in the mood.

Physical factors

For problems like painful sex, see a doctor to explore physiological barriers. It could be as simple as introducing lube into your intercourse, or as complex as talking through anxiety or digging into past sexual trauma (with a therapist). A doctor can help you identify and solve the trigger. Other times, your body may respond physically to emotional challenges. Many (male) partners offer sex without affection, making their partners resentful. Your partner needs non-sexual touches, cuddles, hugs, and kind words to feel loved.

And if they don’t feel loved, they’re less likely to respond to sexual overtures. At the other extreme, when a partner stops initiating and/or responding to ‘sex moves’ the other partner can feel rejected. Talk it over, find out what’s causing the disinterest, and work it out together.

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